shit man hav to retype everything.

fuck you blogger.

sometimes it is sad in life where you start to drift away from friends. when you no longer get included in to their lives... somehow i can't help but feel left out of people whom i'm so familiar with.. once i left school... i'm out of their life. some bad feelings inevitably comes back. i heard from shaikha that today was his chalet. not once he mentioned to me that it was his chalet nor did he invite me. strangely enough i don't really feel much about it. i am neither too upset nor disturbed by it. inevitably there was some expectance. expecting myself to be invited, then again, who am i? not some big shot. who cares if i was invited or not?

what i've learnt from all these years, was to learn to let go. drifting away from friends is inevitable. i hav been through it so many times and each time it tortured my mind and soul. now, i'll never let it torture me.

jeremy. what cn i say about him. he is someone who can make me laugh and cry. he can make me feel happy and that i hav a friend, his cheerfulness can sometimes brighten up your day. but then again, he can hurt you, tear you up into pieces with his spitefulness and countless times i have been hurt again and again by his words when i meant no harm. he has become a guy/a friend/someone whom i no longer understand or think i know. he has changed so much and frankly speaking, i hav problem adapting.

what goes through my mind?

how is terry?
what is shaikha doing?
has everyone gotten a job?
when will i get a job?
what am i so afraid of?
why am i so lethargic?
i wan to go tokyo....

while we drift away from people after i graduated, i become more included in some people's life. in another bunch of friends's lives. luckily i do hav some friends that goes beyond the school. friends like sano n iman whom i can ask to go hang out occasionally. i feel very attached to the two of them especially. i am glad that i do have friends or people whom i deem as close friends to bare my heart and soul with, people whom i'm totally comfortable with. sano n iman i'm very grateful to have and totally at ease with them. it's nice to be included. poor sano has to bear with all the crap i thrash out with him whenever i feel down or sad but then a gain, he is a very important friend and person in my life although we dun spend hours on the phone together or chat online forever and ever. it's just a silent understanding somehow? he is the first one i turn to besides wilfred.

it's nice hanging out with them.

wilfred say i'm too nice to my friends haha that i often get hurt and even so, i cont to love them. or people whom i call 'my friends' but perhaps they no longer treat me as one. i don't know nor care as much.

what do i lack in my social life? it is not friends that i lack but people who are willing to include me into their lives and bother to ask me out. people whom i can hang out comfortably with. people i can talk with no stress or troubles n people who will invite me out with them and i am definitely not refering to cases of havin me tag along in some once in a bluemoon activity along with xx number of people i'm nt close with. if i am not able to hav a mindlessly easy conversation with you and that i hav to rack my brain apart to think of a topic to chat with you, i'll probably have quite a fair bit of problem going out with you. too picky? perhaps. i dun socialise much.

what do i feel now?
loneliness
*hugs wilfred beanie*

i log in and out of the internet several times a day. sometimes no one is online. sometimes one or two people is online. sometimes i chat for awhile. sometimes i dun even have the mood. i'm so lethargic. i need a job. sometime to fill up my time while i get a income out of it.

i need quality time with my cousin, my bf, my parents. yet something is missing that i often stay up in the middle of the night and is left with myself with the tv or the computer staring and stoning. loneliness creeps in like a stain that wouldn't go away. something that will constantly bug me.

haiz
lonely night.
*hugs wilfred beanie*